Little Bundle Of Contradictions

I know who I am. I know what I am. I know what I like, what I don't, what I should, what I shouldn't. I know where I am and where I want to be. I know where my life is taking me and where I want to take my life. But all of that fluctuates soooo much. I feel like I know everything one day, and I wake up the next and start asking questions, start having doubts, start taking steps back instead of going forward.

I have doubts about almost everything that once defined me, tonight. I have doubts about God. I have no idea whether he exists or not. I have no idea if He intervenes in any way with what goes on with us. I was taught some stuff about Him, but the thing is, I don't know if I want to live my life opressed by some idea that someone planted in my head, having the power to exterminate it, and doing nothing, just because I was raised that way.

I'm not saying I'm an atheist. I'm not. I know there must be something bigger out there, but I don't know if that bigger thing is the God I've always believed in. It's completely normal to have doubts, to be skeptical, to be human. I shouldn't be punished for that. I shouldn't be judged.

Another thing I'm having doubts in is where I want to live when I grow up. This might seem irrelevant, but to me it's really important. I don't know if I want to live in a quiet place with bamboo and birds chirping in my window where I'll be able to write and play music, or in a big contemporary appartment surrounded by city lights, nightlife buzzing and waiting for me with a mixed drink.

I don't know if I want to be a Dermatologist anymore. I've always wanted to be a musician. But what is the shelf life or one? Booking gig after gig in small restaurants and pubs, going to bed each night with the love of my life after singing my heart out to strangers... Struggling day after day, but doing what I love and do best? Or should I forget about dreams and stick with what's practical? An office, steady clients, a thesis to make, fancy cars, fancy home, making meals for my fancy husband?

What is the life that I want?
I don't know.

This world will still keep going 'round with or without us. Whatever happens, happens because it is meant to be, and there is no point in resisting.

Going with the flow, sitting back and relaxing, letting life take its course. Let's just hope it takes the right turns at the right times.